I stand by the phone as my six siblings take turns watching over dad both day and night, torn between my duties as an ER doctor and doing my part as a family member. I am scheduled to be in St Louis next week to speak at a conference, but will Dad hold out that long? Is it practical to potentially fly back and forth three times over a span of 10 days? Is there anything that I might do that is not already being done? Is there something I still need to prove to Dad?  I recently had a reassuring phone conversation with him as we both shed a tear. If there was any doubt that I mattered to Dad, he poignantly placed those doubts to rest.

Now I wait – balancing my living with Dad’s dying and trusting that the universe has a larger plan that will work in my favor. Following a phone conversation with my sister, I realized that if fate works according to my schedule, it will undermine her best interests. Seemingly, Dad’s death has become a contest of wills. Which family member will prevail in the desire to have dad’s passing occur at their convenience? Battling forces that are out of anyone’s control creates the opportunity to balance yin and yang in order to achieve harmony. While Dad is actively letting go through a yang appeal, I uphold the yin part by attempting to play it cool and remain passive to any agenda.

Similar to the throes of dying, the lingering perception has existed that there was always something wrong with Dad. He was a great provider, but never measured up to the romanticized version of Ward Clever. He was a man of deep faith, few words and a quick temper. The process of dying likewise leaves people at a loss for words, triggering emotional outbursts. Despite my mother’s best efforts, my father never wavered in his ideology or behavior. His integrity was his greatest strength. Through the example of his life, he taught his children a profound lesson about death. Simply put: Take me as I am.   

There is a huge impetus to change the way we die in this country. The plan is to have more control over the situation and less acceptance of the process. We generally do not like to sit and wait, abiding in this yin state of mind, body and spirit. We are apt to become restless as the situation unfolds. We prefer to wonder while multitasking rather than using this waiting time as a purposeful period of deep reflection and appreciation. As I plan for my own death while living through my father’s passing, I am reminded to take life as it is and not as it was intended. There is no real plan for life except to love. Accordingly - love is patient, love is kind and love has no attachment to a sure plan.