February 2015 Denver Death Cafe

A write up of Denver Death Cafe February 2015

By Anita Larson

Denver Death Café Summary

February 15, 2015

Thank you to Charlene Mason with Porter Place for hosting the February 2015 Denver Death Café. Although there were a few snow flurries, everyone felt warm and cozy in this inviting space. Anita Larson baked a homemade chocolate cake and Porter Place served hot tea and coffee.

The open conversations started with a question on how to best provide long distance support to a dying relative. One attendee mentioned that he faxed a cartoon to the hospital everyday. It was intended to give his loved one a laugh or chuckle for the day and it did just that. Additionally, the hospital staff looked forward to these daily cartoons and they got a good laugh too. Another suggestion was to be available to listen. Ask by text, email or phone if there is something you can do to make it easier for the person caring for the dying relative. Also, mention it is not necessary to return your calls, texts or emails immediately as they have so much on their plate. Continue to reach out and lend an ear when you can.

A friend of mine broke her arm. Her daughter-in-law setup a free Care Calendar for friends to signup and deliver meals to her.  The neat thing was that you could see what others were bringing so she didn’t get chicken noodle soup every night. This website can be used to organize meals and other help for families in need during a time of illness or life changing event, such as a birth of a baby or death of a family member. Simply list the help that is needed and your family and friends can sign up to fill those needs and it’s free!

I have a fear of death. My older brother was so courageous when he was dying. My wife is worried about getting dementia. My father was deathly afraid of dying and wouldn’t talk about it. We finally got to the point of talking about what he didn’t want. This is a heavy burden for an adult child to make decisions regarding feeding tubes, treatments and funeral arrangements. It’s so much better if we have the conversation now and know what our loved ones want. There was mention of the Conversation Project and how that is helping many people start the conversation. My dad wants a pink, well rose- colored coffin. I mentioned to him what kind of message that may be sending, but that is what he wants! <laughter>

There seems to be a lack of rituals in our society and that is putting a dent into who we are. On the other hand, I am Jewish and there are rituals for everything. There is the funeral, mourning for 7 days with people coming over to the house, then the unveiling ritual one year after death. One of the nicest funerals I attended was one that she planned herself. She had a sense of humor and was agnostic. We didn’t know a soul when we attended this Memorial Service and when we left we all felt like family.

There was an eleven-hour hearing in Colorado regarding the Death with Dignity bill and it was defeated in the House. The bill will be back up next year. There were compelling cases presented on both sides. It passed in Vermont, New Mexico and Montana. Aid in Dying is also authorized in Washington and Oregon. Visit Compassion & Choices to learn more.

“Being Mortal” recently aired on Frontline, Rocky Mountain PBS. Boston surgeon Atul Gawande explores the relationships doctors have with patients who are nearing the end of life. Excellent program.

I’ve been teaching courses at the University of Colorado at Denver for a decade. We talk a lot more at Death Cafes about death and dying than doctors get in their two 3-hour modules at the University.  This is a good book, The Year of an Intern by Robin Cook.

We just did our wills and added an addendum in the event of organic brain disease. How many hospitals adhere to Advance Directives? There’s a lime green form called the MOST form (an acronym for Medical Orders for Scope of Treatment). Place it on your fridge, not in a drawer somewhere.You really need a strong human advocate to make sure your wishes are carried out. The conversations about death and dying continue next month.

Our next Denver Death Café gathering will be:

Date: Sunday, March 15th, 2015

 Time: 3-4:30 p.m.

Place: Porter Place, 1001 E. Yale Avenue, Denver, CO 80210

There is plenty of free parking in the back (north) and also in the church parking lot to the east.

Please arrive a few minutes early to secure a seat and grab some refreshments.

We begin promptly at 3:00. No RSVP required.

“Talking about death leads to a good life.”

Anita Larson, Facilitator, Family Celebrant

Greg Whitehair, Facilitator, Mediator and Medical Ethicist

denverdeathcafe@gmail.com

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